First, I have to apologize for continuously writing about my struggles. They are some of the biggest I have faced in my lifetime and venting them here with such great feedback really helps me to feel encouraged and loved. So thank you for bearing with me.
I was reading my young friend
Jessica's blog and found
this. I think this would be a great daily devotional for me to add to my other two talks that I listen to. It seems that, despite my trying to do a lot of the things that he suggests in this short video, I still manage to get down on myself. For those who wonder if this means that I am doubting my decision, the answer is NO. That is not the case. I knew there would be consequences to all this and that is what I am facing now.
And, in a LOT of ways I am facing it ALONE. I have had MANY spiritual experiences throughout the course of all of this that have helped build me up and I know that Heavenly Father is there for me, but it is a different type of alone. It is one I have felt for many years now. It is one that I know how to remedy, but it isn't the right time yet. I still feel everything that I mentioned in my
last post, but some days/weeks are harder than others.
I have AMAZING friends that have stood by me and taken great care of me. And by that, I simply mean the prayers, and unbelievable thoughtfulness. A couple of weeks ago, I had the day off for my birthday and I got to go to lunch with some of Brenna's friends Courtney, Lora and Chelsea(who are mine too) and their amazing moms, Carrie, Tara and Tara. We went to NYPD and had some yummy pizza. Before I got there the girls used the paper plates and crayons to color pictures and sweet notes for me. Then they serenaded me with "Happy Birthday". I was welling up as they all gave me hugs. I have to say, this MADE MY DAY! I felt so much love from and for these sweet girls! Here is a picture of them hanging on my wall in my apartment (since I haven't put pics up yet, hee hee!)
In our Professional Development class at ASMT, our teacher talks A LOT about "Breakdowns". What are breakdowns that we have in our lives? For some, it could be financial, others could have toxic friends or addictions that bring them down and many more. But, he had to mention all of my breakdowns first... divorce/separation, not having enough time with your kids... I lost it! (There is also the fact that I have NEVER felt like I am done having children and Brenna wrote me a list of 25 reasons I need to have a baby girl). I sit in the front row of class, so I couldn't just inconspicuously get up and leave. I stayed in my seat and just wiped my tears as best I could. Then, later in the class, he put on a CD with the song "Why Can't We Be Friends?" (love that song) and asked us all to dance as a group. Then he looked me straight in the eye and got a big smile on his face. "Oh NO!" I thought as he approached me with his hand reached out. Yep, he took my hand and pulled me to the center of the class to dance with him. I fought it at first, saying "NO, NO!" But in the end I gave in. While it was only a matter of seconds, I am sure my face was bright red!
Although, this was completely out of my box, it made me smile and laugh and I am grateful to refocus on the GOOD things that are happening. I am the recipient of MANY blessings!